How to deal with back talk from your daughter

When I was growing up, I remember my mom telling me, “You just wait, you will have a daughter one day, and get it all back!” Of course, I didn’t really understand what she meant at the moment, but now I have three daughters and my oldest one is testing my patience. She is the sweetest, most kind little girl, but when those emotions get triggered, homegirl be tripping. Is anyone else struggling with how to deal with back talk from their daughter, or is it just me?

My daughter is 9 right now and when she gets upset, I see a frustrated little girl that comes off as disrespectful. Of course this is not okay. I have tried several different options that would hopefully help her keep her emotions in check. We started off whooping her, but then decided to step back from that because we were whooping almost every day. So, my husband suggested to talk to her because whopping every child is not always effective. Each child will respond and learn differently to different disciplinary actions. So we did the talking method to try to get her to understand how she should handle different emotions. That worked for a while, before it back fired on us. The talking method made her feel that no matter what she did, the only consequence was a conversation. She began to be mean to her siblings and never really seemed happy.

I actually had a break down and cried one day because I didn’t understand why our child had so much back talk and was always so angry. I cried on my husband’s shoulder and told him I felt like I was failing as a parent because I was trying to do everything to make her happy and I didn’t understand why she was so disrespectful with all this back talk.

I had to understand that I was not failing as a parent, I was just at a tough spot in parenting. I decided to try to understand why and where her anger was coming from. These are the methods I used.

1. Establish expectations

A child must know what is expected of them. Make this clear so there is no confusion. Set the boundaries.

2. Dig Deeper

I decided to talk to her one on one to see what the problem really was. I did this by having talks and allowing her to express herself. I would ask her what is wrong, what the problem is and how she would like to fix it. Doing this allowed her to express her feelings at that given moment. I then explained to her that the discipline that was being given was not effective and we would go back to whooping to get her to understand what is expected of her.

3. Stay Consistent

I noticed one of the biggest mistakes I made was saying I was going to do something and not follow through on it. Kids pay attention to our behaviors just as much as we pay attention to theirs. So I had to stay consistent with the method of discipline. If I tell you I’m going to whoop you, I must follow through on what I told you.

4. Acknowledge the good behavior

Everyone likes to be acknowledged and praised for their good deeds, especially children. Once she learned she couldn’t act out however she wanted to, she learned to control her anger. I would let her know that she did well controlling herself. And then tell her she saved herself from a whooping, to remind her that consequences still exist.

5. Don’t let things slide because you are frustrated or tired

A lot of times, I am sick of yelling and sick of disciplining so the frustration builds and I would ignore some things….WRONG!!! I learned doing this, breaks the consistency. But, at the same time…if you are TOO mad, it’s okay to walk away for a minute because you don’t want to harm your child out of frustration.

This is what I learned from my back talking daughter.

1. She was feeling neglected and wanted to get the control back to feel validated, so she acted out.

2. She didn’t know how to channel her anger.

3. She felt she got in trouble more than her siblings and didn’t fully understand why, which frustrated her even more.

4. My lacksadasical parenting allowed her to get this way, but it’s never too late to make it right.

5. Each child receives and reacts differently, so parenting methods may be different for each child.

How it’s working

She now knows what is expected of her and knows that I will follow through on my end, so she is more aware of her response and tone when talking to me.
She has learned to communicate and tell me when things are bothering her.
She understands it’s NOT what her response is, but HOW she responds.
This is not a quick, one time fix. There will be good days and bad days and she will be disciplined appropriately when needed to help teach her respect.
I will always show her love and respect through these teachable lessons, but the lesson will be taught.

I think back talk is a common thing in raising girls, but as parents, it’s our job to do our best to raise respectful, young ladies that will know when it’s okay to speak and when it’s best to be quiet.

Things to remember when dealing with a back talking child.

1. You are not a bad parent.

2. You are not the only one dealing with these issues.

3. At times, you can feel like you are crazy, you are NOT, it’s just that the frustration build up.

4. It’s never too late to change discipline methods to become more effective.

5. Keep doing what you are doing, it will pay off and they will appreciate it.

6. Understand that they may be acting just like you were when you were her age, so go tell your mom you are sorry. LOL. Sounds funny right, but it’s true. I’ve apologized to my mom already and may need to do it again. So, make sure you do too.

Stay strong Mommy, we are all in this together and things will get better.

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you share it with someone else that may need to get a little encouragement on how to deal with back talk from their child.

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